Boyfriend decided he didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship for 2 more years and I decided that I was tired of this relationship and the way it was going so we called it off. I had one day (yesterday) of "grieving", going through all the phases: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, bingeing on girl scout cookies, acceptance. I woke up this morning feeling back to myself but just a little weird knowing that my daily routine of talking to my confidante was now gone, but it's nothing I can't handle. He was right in a way: I can't really see myself marrying him or anyone, for that matter. I don't want kids. I don't want to orient my life around where he's living as opposed to what I want to do.
I did get mad at him for bringing this up right before my test on Monday, however. Alas, med school doesn't allow for you to take time off for life changes. You have to just tuck it in the back of your mind with everything else and then deal with it 25 years later in therapy when it manifests as hoarding or an ambien addiction.
I don't think I would have been so upbeat about it had I not had a long talk with two of my classmate friends, K and Z yesterday. For some reason, I can't talk to girls about this kind of stuff so thankfully these 2 guys were available to hear me out. K had just been through a very similar breakup a few months ago and Z had been aware of my relationship problems for a while. We laughed and joked about it and at one point I almost started to cry and started hitting the floor with my hands, telling my self out loud: "Don't have feelings, don't have feelings!" and I was able to hold back the unnecessary bout of crying. There's no crying in med school. There's no time.
It's true: before I started dating boyfriend I was SO happy being single. SO SO happy. I wasn't looking for a relationship. I enjoyed just being me and doing my own thing. And I still enjoy it. I think what bothered me most was the rejection and the fact that I saw this coming for a long time and didn't act quicker. I lost control of the situation and became a hopeless optimist even though I knew better. When a relationship starts to cause you more stress than happiness, that's when it's time to get out. He was a good boyfriend, but what I need right now is not a boyfriend-- I need to focus on myself and school. I can't stay awake at night wondering what is going wrong with my doomed relationship and why boyfriend's acting so weird. I need to instead be dreaming of the pancreas and pituitary gland.
So, let's call it even. I had some good times but now I get to go back to just being me. I get to save some money now and get back to dreaming of my awesome future where I'm happy doing what I love.
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