The Good, The Bad and the Exboyfriend

Today I finally finished removing the remnants of exboyfriend from my apartment. It feels good to have him and all of it out of my life.

It's amazing how unhappy I was in that relationship... and I didn't even realize it. I was unhappy because the relationship was stressful and I did not feel that exboyfriend cared about me, especially in the last few months. I debated breaking up with him for some time, but friends suggested I wait it out for it may have been a rough patch. I've been through rough patches enough times to know that they're not actually "ruts." They're permanent. The pavement has ended and you're now off-road relationshipping.

The best part about the end of that relationship was that it made me realize that I am so much happier on my own. I hate having to defer to a guy about my plans to make sure they work with his. Or to have to put time, energy and fake a cheery disposition into everything I do to make sure that the other person in the relationship feels loved (which they never do, no matter how hard I try).

The best example of the relationship not working was one day when I asked him if he thought he could ever love me. He said he didn't think I was "unloveable" but he didn't currently love me (he later withdrew this statement during the breakup saying that he did love me, but just never told me. so, basically, he loved me but lied about not loving me. yeah, i don't get it either. i'm pretty sure he was lying). I told him that I didn't think I had ever been in love with someone (including him) but I did feel strongly about him and I wrote this sweet little list about all of the things I'd do for him. It included things like donating a kidney, changing his colostomy bag, etc. It was meant to be silly but sweet. It was a true effort on my part to show him how much I cared about him. And you know what he said? He said that the list didn't say anything about how I felt about him. It was just a list of stuff I'd do for him.

WTF?!

I'm not perfect and I'm often a bit irritable due to always feeling like crap/being a tired and overworked medical student/not having bowel movements for a week and a half. But I saw a side of him on a trip to London that I never want to see in another guy ever again. It was like a weird, angry man child who was always mad at me. If I put a lot of effort into being kind and agreeable, he told me i was TOO nice and I was holding my real feelings in. If I showed my real feelings, I was too grumpy. It should have been here that I realized that if you can't make a guy happy by being yourself, it's not going to work out. If they start telling you how to act, get the eff outta there.

Also, he kind of scolded me after I had an IBS episode in Paris. And it was humiliating because there was nothing I could do about it. And it actually almost made me cry, but I held it in because I wanted to be the girl he was telling me to be. The one who apparently doesn't have IBS.

I much prefer not having a guy try to change me or make me act a certain way. I love not having the guilt of not being "good enough" or "skinny enough" or "bigger boobs". I like being around people who think I'm funny instead of "laughing on the inside" as exboyfriend said he did (he probably wasn't laughing.) I love having friends that respond when I try to have a conversation with me instead of not saying anything during an hour-long conversation. I love having people around me who accept me with the good AND the bad because they understand that we all have things to deal with in our lives and that I'm always working to be a better person and friend, but it's not an immediate process. I love my friends and family that don't judge me because I like going to the Container Store or collect magnets.

So exboyfriend can take his fancy Ivy League degrees and hairy back and get on out of my life. And he can stay out because my friends are a better support system than he ever was. They take me as I am, support me when I'm down, tell me I'm pretty even when I'm wearing my glasses and don't judge me if I eat dessert. They'll love me even if I get fat or can't do a head stand in yoga. And if I'm grumpy, they know it's not about them because it means I'm not feeling well and just need my space. I love my friends dearly and I am happy to have them collectively be my significant other.