Boys Boys Boys

I hate it when guys take it upon themselves to view me as a sex object. It's gross. I did not give you permission to objectify me. I'm just minding my own business, walking in my grandma exercise pants with a Yo! MTV Raps t-shirt, talking to my mom on the phone. I don't want you to shout out of your truck or dingy car that you think I'm hot. When has that EVER impressed someone? What am I supposed to say to that? "Oh, I love guys who are missing 1/3 of their teeth!" or "Oh, I bet you yell that to every vagina you see walking on the sidewalk". Do you really expect me to be flattered that you're a stranger shouting at me from your car?!

It just creeps me out. The WORST of it is this: I've got hips. What can I say. These child-bearing hips were wasted on me and have become a curse. Because I KNOW (because I've seen it happen to other people), that guys will look at my ass when I pass by. AND I HATE THAT. Because I can't catch them doing it, thus I can't give them the evil eye which would cause their testicles to seek shelter in their abdomen. As a result, I wear long sweaters that conceal my big ass. I made sure that my white student doctor coat falls long enough that my assness cannot be seen. I don't want people looking at my ass without my permission. It's NOT yours to look at. I just can't put it away.

Ugh, you know what else I hate? When guys overtly flirt with me. I HATE FLIRTING. In fact, I don't flirt. I might do it sarcastically, but that's only when I'm making fun of someone. Don't EVER come up to me and start macking on me. It's gross and I may vomit on you. Any respect I had for you prior to the onset of macking is lost once that chin goes up and your hand touches my shoulder. I did not ask you to touch me. I don't want you touching me. And I don't want you to ever talk to me like that because it's condescending. Talk to me like a damn human being.

I don't understand why people try so hard to impress the opposite sex. You know what would impress me in a guy? A good sense of humor with a dash of self-deprecation. A wide breadth of literature and film knowledge. Quotations from 30 Rock.

You know what doesn't impress me? A tattoo of Bright Eyes lyrics on your hip. An Ed Hardy shirt. Lack of self-awareness. Racism. Quotations from Two and a Half Men.

So please, gentlemen. If you're going to be so inclined to try to flirt with me, please take the high road. Just have a damn conversation with me that's not dripping in flirt-sauce. Treat me like you would a platonic friend. You'll be doing both of us a favor.