The Draft

Yesterday began what we med students refer to as "Open Market" regarding the "Draft", if you will, of our third year schedules. Third year is also known as "Junior Clerkship" which is when my class is divided into different rotation groups and we rotate through the different clinical departments. They released our assigned groups yesterday morning and we have a few days to switch rotation groups with our classmates if we want to change our schedule. Some people have a preference of when they want to take their vacations or they want to be in a rotation group with their friends. Lucky for me, I don't have any reasons to take a vacation at a specific time nor do I have a tight group of friends to rotate with so I was content with my assigned group. The draft was nonetheless stressful for other reasons.

Prior to the release of our schedules, I ruminated over the possibility that I might be stuck in a rotation with people who tend to clash with my personality. I had a running list of about 5 people in the class that I hoped would not be placed in my group since we are stuck working closely with the members of this group for an entire year. It's really nothing personal about these 5 individuals that makes me want to avoid them. They are all quality people in different ways, but there's usually something about our interactions or the way they treat other people that sometimes makes me want to gnaw my arm off. I am cordial and polite to these people on a regular basis and I would definitely help them if they were in need, I just prefer to not work closely with them. I consider myself lucky that none of them were placed in my rotation group. Unfortunately, however, they were sprinkled into my first few choices of rotation groups preventing me from trying to switch spots into my preferred rotation schedules.

My rotation schedule wasn't what I thought I wanted, but I know that it's one that I can live with. I am indifferent/like the people in my group and I can see myself working well with them. I don't foresee any of them causing mental anguish to my already fractured mental stability. I also don't foresee myself throwing rocks at any of them. The most stressful aspect of "Draft Day"was that I was terrified of one of the aforementioned 5 individuals switching into my pristine, non-rock-throwing rotation group. Luckily, and I hope I don't jinx myself, as of this morning at 6:30 AM, all systems are go.

Z was excited because he was able to switch into what I will refer to as the "Golden Group". Apparently (unbeknownst to me) it was the group everyone wanted (I am still unclear as to why except that everyone in the group is pretty awesome). A lot of my buddies ended up in that group and I am a little jealous that they get to be together without me, but I did not want that particular schedule since it would mean I'd begin on OB-GYNE and to be quite frank, I want to get that over with as soon as possible. I don't want to dread it the entire year knowing that it will be my final rotation.

During the Draft, one of my favorite classmates emailed me to see if I would be willing to switch groups with him. His schedule was one of my top choices but when I looked at who was in the group (and mind you, a lot of my buddies were in this group, too) there was one deal breaker in there that left me on the fence for most of the day. Mind you, my friend REALLY wanted to get out of that group due to scheduling reasons (he even bribed me with Wilco tickets) and he's a good enough friend of mine that I REALLY wanted to help him, but that one deal breaker (one of the 5) was in there and I had to really evaluate the benefits/deficits of switching into that group. I was honest with my friend and told him why I was on the fence: trade a better-than-mediocre schedule with people I can work with for a better schedule with someone that will make my hair fall out. Convenience vs. mental health. A lifetime of normalcy vs. a lifetime in jail. In the end, I decided that as much as I wanted that schedule AND to help my friend, the lasting-effects of a year in that specific group would do too much damage to me. My friend totally understood (maybe he had the same reason for wanting to get out of that group as I had for not wanting to be in it) and was really cool about it. In fact, we vented a little to each other since his girlfriend also broke up with him this week. Kindred spirits, if you will. It was nice to have that catharsis with someone who understands my sense of humor, my current situation AND was willing to listen. That's the toughest part about my med school life: I don't have many confidantes (just Z) and sometimes you just need to talk stuff out to move on from a harrowing situation.

Speaking of harrowing situations, Z told me last night that he was impressed that I've started moving on from the breakup so quickly. In fact, I've already started joking about it. Usually it takes me a long time to be able to talk about it, but medical school tends to speed up that process because I can't take time out of my life to grieve or wallow. You just have to keep going and figure out a quickie way to deal with everything. So now it's like, "Gee, cupcakes, I'm sorry to hear about you and boyfriend." and I'm thinking: boyfriend who? My relationship with med school is way more important.