Lazy

I stayed home today. It just didn't make sense to me to waste gas going to two classes that I'd be unable to pay attention to. So I stayed home and worked on my research and a school project. I also got some studying in. On days like this my mind likes to wander randomly and I let it go where it wants... not like I can control it, anyway.

Well, it ventured to cakes, then to halloween candy and then decided to hang out in the scary danger zone of weddings. If you know me, you know I like to be creative and plan things, decorate, make things just so. A wedding is perfect for that. Plus, if it's my own then it's like, my personality expressed as a party. It'd be subtly strange with a sense of humor. Dessert/candy buffet, anyone? Ironic wedding cake? Awesome photography? Count me in!

But I also run into some problems. You see, I become conflicted between traditions and what I actually prefer/am comfortable with. Standing in front of a bunch of family and people I don't know, telling someone that I love them, etc. is absolutely terrifying to me. Not to mention walking down the aisle... that's some pressure right there. I live my life trying to be invisible. The last thing I'd want is for all eyes to be focused on me. I hate being the center of attention. But at the same time, I wonder if I'd regret not walking down the aisle or having a ceremony.

Another thing, I'd have to have a unique wedding cake. But the problem with that is that I'd probably pick something that's not even similar to a traditional wedding cake... and would I regret not being traditional? Ah, REGRET!

And then there's the registry. I don't like stuff. And when I do like stuff, it's very specific stuff. I have very, very specific and strange tastes in things. I wish I could just combine the stuff I like from different stores (Anthropologie, Crate and Barrel, Z Gallerie) and provide it all on one registry online. But therein lies another problem: a lot of my extended family is computer illiterate/doesnt own a computer. And they're the type of people that think it's rude to just give money. In all honesty, I DON'T want anything for getting married. Just come, dance, eat some cake... you don't owe me anything. And I feel awful for being so specific about gifts that people do give me... I just don't like having a lot of stuff. I wish that I could just tell everyone to donate the money to the VAD Foundation or to a local free clinic. But my family would never do that. They're old fashioned. I feel like I just can't win with this.

AND THEN there's the whole cost of the entire shabang. It's ridiculous how much these things cost. And knowing me, it'd all be DIY because it's super important to me that it's done eco friendly and done right. But I know it'd still cost a lot of money. And who knows, if I ever get married I may have a lot of my own money and it won't be an issue.... but I'll be haunted by the fact that I could have donated that money to a family who needs it instead of throwing MYSELF a party and getting all kinds of gifts for no reason.

So I just decide that I shant have a wedding/reception because the guilt and anxiety wouldn't be worth it. And then I become plagued by the regret of not having my "big day".

And then I remember that I stayed home today so I could study and just spent 1.5 hours thinking about a hypothetical wedding when I am in no way getting married anytime soon.