wearing my headphones today so maybe i can politely avoid people. yesterday i stopped by a friend's house for only a matter of minutes (super bowl party) because i hadn't seen these people in a really, really long time. in fact, one person didn't even recognize me. that's how you know you don't get out much. we got to talking about my life and i actually hate doing it because there's only so much self-deprecating humor one can take. after a while it just sounds like i'm a crazy person. when i talk about my lifestyle and the stuff i have to do to succeed in medical school I sound like a crazy person. it's a weird realization.
the less i think about the specifics of my life and the quality of it, the better i feel. it's when i start to really think about the fact that i never leave my apartment save to go to class or the grocery store-- or the fact that i have friends in town, but i don't ever get to see them and i stop getting invited to stuff because they know i'm not going to go-- or the fact that i prefer to stay by myself all the time because it's better than being let down after i have fun in the outside world--- or the fact that i've only spoken 5 words to boyfriend all weekend and have no idea what's going on in his life and i worry that i've spent too much time with my other boyfriend, medical school, and neglected my actual relationship.
and the fact that i have given up so much of my life to do well in medical school. i have given up everything-- i don't even feel emotions anymore because i'm so hopped up on medications just so i can be minimally funcitonal-- and for what? to be a less-than-mediocre medical student? i give up EVERYTHING just to be told i need to do better and that i'm not a good student.
and this is how i feel on a GOOD day.
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